The D Spot

The past month found me very very busy, deep in work, no distinction of day or night, not sensitive of what was happening around me. Seeing the family members coming and going, from work, school, gimmicks, with their classmates, friends, paying household bills, tuition fees, and all the other expenses related to living a daily life. All these have become mechanical to me–where is the heart?

Yes, I am guilty! Now, talk about retiring early. It has been more than a year now since I left the corporate life. Son BA has asked, Monica has asked, and all the other kids have asked, “Mom, we thought you have gone on early retirement. Now,why are you working harder than ever?!” Still I was not moved with their probing.

And last night, when all of the kids have gone out with their Dad, while I stayed behind at home–ALONE, typing away on my MacBook (my ever constant companion 24/7 the past month), I realized that it was just a day away from Christmas eve. What was I doing, alone at home?

I began to ask myself, “why?” Was it because of the financial rewards that came along with working so hard and working for long hours? Was it because I was still in denial of the pains of recent events? Work, or I mean hard work, they say is anaesthetic to pains and hurts–it shuts one’s mind out of the world. Was it because of the satisfaction that I gained from being able to help other people through part time jobs?

Typing has turned to tinkering, going from Mozilla to Firefox, from Word to Excel, from Yahoo to Gmail, to Paypal to WordPress–my monitor has become blurry, words, graphics, pictures have become meaningless. And I thought, for the first time in many months, I have not cried, are tears now falling down my pretty (still vain!) face?

And I thought hard. Come to think of it. BA was right, when he said that I have not been writing meaningfully the past 2 months, since our Angel Michael went away. All the creative juices in me must have been zapped out of my system! Replaced with mechanical even technical writing. Must I have lost my gusto, my heart for my passion–which is writing?

As to my LIFE, have I lived it the way it should be? Yes I have lived life the way it should be, I told myself. But again, HAVE I? Questions, questions and more questions. I didn’t find answers. It was almost 8 pm, and I had to go to church for the last day of Simbang Gabi (the traditional 9-day Dawn Mass)–ALONE, for the very first time. Angelo could not fetch me, as he and his family had to go straight to UP Church from another place, and my other family members were out in Trinoma. I was lucky to catch a cab.

For the very first time in 9 days while in church, I felt in my heart the real meaning of Christmas–a renewal, of HOPE, LOVE and then PEACE. The readings and the priest’s sermon struck deep in my heart. I have found the answers to my questions, I have come to terms with myself. I have found peace. I realized that I am more than blessed–I have my husband, my mother, my Angelo, Monica, BA, Vince, Angela, Pauline and Alan Jr. Material blessings, yes, we have them. But more than that, I have my family, I have my meaningful loving friends, we have Angelo’s family (Caren, Pia and Cate), we have our Angel Michael in heaven, and most of all, we have God in the center of our lives.

I came home to an empty house, but I was fine. After the family arrived, we said our evening prayers, and everyone went to do their own thing, others on their computers, others watching TV, or playing games, while I again was with my MacBook. To the kids who were awake, I told them of my Christmas wish, tears falling down my pretty face–that they grow more in faith, looking not to a material undertaking, but past the superficial. Sharing with each other their material possessions, like sharing laptops or desktops if the others are broken or not working.

Driving for their siblings without heated arguments, trying to understand each other. Appreciating what we have rather than focusing on what we do not. To help themselves, not to be carried away with the challenges that they face as students and as social beings. I told them how they sometimes hurt my feelings, I knew I also hurt theirs.

Finally, to please not to forget that I, their Mom, even their Dad and Mommylola–the adults in their lives, need their attention and understanding, in the same way that they need ours. Their Christmas wish for me? I knew it, I felt it in my heart–that I live my life, the way I have always had: BEING THE BEST MOM IN THE WORLD, plus they say, good health, and more SMILES. How I love my FAMILY.

Phew! It has been an emotional night, but truly a healing one.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!! May your Christmas also be filled with HOPE, LOVE AND PEACE!

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