The Joy of Being A Mother–Raising Teenagers (A Wake Up Call in Communicating)

Posted on May 25, 2007
Filed Under LIFE, Parenting and Family, Thoughts | Viewed 1227 times

16 year old daughter Angela, incoming 3rd year high school, just got back from a 2-day spiritual retreat, along with her other org-mates in the theater group. It was capped with an afternoon Mass, after which they handed over to parents the letters they candidly wrote.

She has agreed to share the letter that she wrote to me, which I know will also touch your hearts, dear Parents and Readers her age, which will serve as a wake up call to us, in communicating (or is it mis-communicating?).

Dearest Mom,

This retreat has made me think a lot. I really do not know how to express myself, even if there is a lot to say. You are a great mom, you have made us feel your love for us even if there are so many of us in the family. You have always been there for us, doing everything to make us comfortable.

Thank you, I felt most your love and presence when I was sick. You really took care of me, and you seem to have felt the pain I was going through at that time.

I am sorry if I did not meet your expectations, especially with my studies. Sometimes, I have the feeling that you do not believe in my dreams and in what I would like to accomplish. But I cannot really blame you because I have not yet proven anything. There is always that one B- every quarter, which would not qualify me for the honors. I would like you to appreciate that I have been striving to do my best, not only for my sake, but also for you. This is why I promise to do my best, especially in preparing for my college studies.

Sometimes, I cannot open up to you anymore, because I don’t think you will be able to understand me. Sometimes, I really want to share with you what has been happening and my feelings. In the past, I could easily open up about boys, about my crushes, but now, I find it hard to open up. It seems you do not trust me anymore. I really want you to trust me—I know what is right and wrong, and you were the one who taught me those things. It’s very difficult for me to feel that you think I will be heartbroken.

There, I have said what I wanted. Thank you for being the “best-est” mom, and the sexiest mom ever. I love you so much and I will always be here. Don’t worry, I will not change because I am still he same daughter. I always will be, I love you.

Chato

The lessons I learned?

We parents should not presume that everything is going well in the life of our teenagers. I have always thought that all was well between me and Angela. Truth is, she, like all other teenagers her age are in the stage called adolescence—the transitional period when teenagers move away from their parents as their main source of support and turn to peer relationships, which will in turn give them support toward taking on adult roles. We used to tell each other our secrets, our plans, even my wild dreams of a European holiday or a botox in Melbourne, or having a tattoo. I didn’t realize that this summer has been different. Angela has become very close to her 2 other sisters (23 and 14 years old), they share secrets, sometimes I feel left out already. She also has her best friends and a few friends who are boys. And she has her 4 brothers who seem to be on the lookout—boys should not break her heart, they say, or else…

Sometimes small comments, or mere body language, are misinterpreted. In the past, if she was on phone, I would make up some faces, or say some snide remarks, which were really meant to joke and not taken seriously.

This is a wake up call for me. Slowly, Angela and I are building up the trust once more. For us, it was just a lapse in communicating (or is it mis-communicating). I have assured her that she can rely on me, and that as much as possibe, I will try to understand her. And she has assured me that she will not do anything to break my trust, when she is away from home and with friends. My sweet 16 is growing up, fast.

Note: Sponsored by Blog to Profit.

Comments

23 Responses to “The Joy of Being A Mother–Raising Teenagers (A Wake Up Call in Communicating)”

Belle on May 25th, 2007 8:32 am

Dine, nice letter from a loving daughter. you should be proud mom despite of that little miscommunication, which is common among teenage girls.

i always freaked out when my youngest got a B grade. i would say, you can do better than that or perhaps you should cut down on the tv time so you could concentrate more on your studies. now, i have mellowed down quite a bit and it is not big deal for me anymore if she gets B now and then.

SexyMom: i was not even complaining nga about her grades. she just put it upon herself that i wanted her to be an honor students, just like her brothers.
dangkin on May 25th, 2007 8:43 am

kahit anong klaseng relationship naman yata, pinakaimportante ang communication..

glad to know you’re one of the “girls” again

SexyMom: yes, it’s the key.
feng on May 25th, 2007 9:24 am

now that letter made me teary-eyed. sniff Angela is so sweet.

miscommunication/ some communication is but alright in raising teens, they’re independent already anyway, and we parents cannot expect our children to tell us everything they feel. the more important thing though is the effort parents and their children exert to ease the gap.

SexyMom: and soon, we have to let go.
Kyameel on May 25th, 2007 10:59 am

That’s a very sweet letter from Angela.

Even if I cannot relate as a mother, I can relate as a daughter.

My mom and I were not really close, as I am much closer with my dad. But recently, since we work in the same company (different departments), we became close. I guess eating lunch together every single day helped. I can tell her most of my secrets now and we understand each other better.

^__

SexyMom: working in the same office with your mom? it must be fun! you have more time together.
lady cess on May 25th, 2007 11:40 am

im glad this wake up call has arrived this early, and brought about by a retreat at that. i mean, in some families, wake up calls happen when something bad has already happend. saka pa lang nila mare-realize na their way of communicating needs fixing.
and, angela had the guts to say what those things because youve already made it easy for them to come to you and talk to you. so there are some glitches here and there, but bottomline is, they know youre just there

SexyMom: yes, it was really timely. that’s what i like in most schools—they integrate these “retreats” or whatever you call them, in their program.
tina on May 25th, 2007 11:45 am

how sweet.. but of course in every sweet daughter there is always a mom who made her that way…

I’m sure whatever you do with your daughter you have her best interests at heart.. and it’s good to have her opening up in that letter what she feels.

SexyMom: yes, we always have their best interests at heart, and we have to make them understand this.
bobby on May 25th, 2007 1:01 pm

Gosh, aren’t you concerned about the privacy issues you get when posting private stuff like this?

anyway, a good read.

SexyMom: Bobby, if you would note in my post, my daughter agreed to post her letter. it is in this kind of sharing that we (myself and my dear Readers) learn from each other’s experiences. if you may also note, i have Readers who are the age of my children, who also benefit from my sharing/writings. Thanks for the concern—of course, I am very careful with regard to posting “private stuff”.
Tina on May 25th, 2007 1:26 pm

Awww. I started getting close to my mom again at around that age too. I have to admit, I struggled with being open to my mom during my younger years because she prohibited me from having crushes. It was hard because I already had a crush when she told me that, so I didn’t have the chance to open up. Then she found out, and she got angry, and I got angry and then I stopped talking about it…which led to most of my high school years giggling about boys with my friends instead of my mom.

Then she accidentally read my diary and after that huge crying moment, it got us more open to one another. I guess in a way, she was trying to understand me too, but I didn’t give her the chance to do so. Now we’re closer because my dad is in another country to work, so we spend more time together at home. I’m glad and I know now for sure that my mom only had my best interests in mind.

Oh, and she’s not stopping me from having any crushes anymore (haha, thank God, I’m already 21!). I’m sorta legal for boyfriends, but I’m the one who chooses not to have one, and she’s okay with that too.

SexyMom: same here, Tina, I too grew up in fear, you know. i remember having posted that earlier. there was a huge communication gap, such that the first chance i had to leave the family for college, i was so glad (in the beginning). LOL
Catzie on May 25th, 2007 3:16 pm

Aww, the letter is so sweet. I was about to cry when I was reading it. Angela is a sweet daughter. As a teen like your daughter, I have some miscommunication too with my parents, and I just couldn’t find a way to tell them how I feel. I’m never used to opening up to them..

SexyMom: you can start slowly, my dear, for all you know, they are just waiting for the right moment. good luck.
amicus curiae on May 25th, 2007 4:55 pm

a very touching letter, indeed. the fading, if not lost, art of communication, especially between parents and teenage-kids revived. if there is any point in time that communication becomes indispensably important and should be nurtured, it is during these formative years. the barrier brought about by factors like embarrassment, inhibitions, feelings of maturity, peer pressure and influence, etc. should be overcome. strong family relations likewise play an important role towards effective parent-child communication. it should be gleaned by the child as a means to betterment and nurturing closeness rather than one of mere reprimand and fault-finding. being so, it should be initiated and cultivated right from tender age.

SexyMom: thanks, AC, this is what adolescence is all about. you worded them beautifully.
Kyels on May 25th, 2007 5:34 pm

Tita, that’s a beautiful letter and it touched my heart—- a lot.

[:

SexyMom: it has hit me-direct!
auee on May 25th, 2007 6:08 pm

It takes a lot of courage to write this kind of letter. You must have sighed with relief that she did open her soul to you, though not verbally.

Sometimes I dread “adolescence”, but hopefully hubby & I will manage to build strong ties with our kid/s. Fingers crossed.
myepinoy on May 25th, 2007 6:31 pm

Relate na relate ako dito.

Parents should realize that kids grow up and that parents should grow up with them as well simply because they are starting to live their own lives. Just like any ordinary human beings, they too have their daily concerns and what have you.

So the moment that parents stop growing up with them, the gap begins.

I believe we should learn a thing or two from Kahlil Gibran’s Children part of which says:Your children are not your children.They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
bw on May 25th, 2007 6:48 pm

very true indeed. I have seen parents who were so over confident with their kids when all of a sudden something happens that shatter their expectations and dreams about their child. Worse, what happens is not new, but something that the child had been doing for a long time. Nothing beats communicating and spending time with your child, developing that trust and friendship
analyse on May 25th, 2007 8:30 pm

sometimes it’s really hard to open up to parents, afraid of being misunderstood. letters, yes, are great ways to convey messages easily and clearly..without being judged even before we’re done with the message.. and angela is really courageous to have written such a letter.

i was particularly touched when she wrote that she’s already doing her best but she still felt guilty about her results, thinking you were expecting more.. so how many gallons of tears did you shed when you read that letter? come on, honestly.
keysi on May 26th, 2007 2:36 am

the last time i did this was in highschool as well. =) brings back memories
REX on May 26th, 2007 8:23 pm

Back in Don Bosco Pampanga, we would have these Parents’ Days, and all that drama.

Funny how annoyed I become whenever my Mama would ask me trivial stuff, haha! But of course, I know what it really means. =) Cheers to you Tita Dines, and all selfless mothers, including mine, of course. =)
carlotta on May 27th, 2007 7:18 am

i am better in writing letters, but i think (emphasize on think) that my mum and me have no problem at all in communicating verbally as both of us say right out what’s in our minds. sometimes it results in arguments when it comes to certain issues such as my desire to be on my own. i know i should give way but since both of us have the same temperament no one wants to back down (at least, just in that case).
Aileen Apolo on May 27th, 2007 4:54 pm

Miguel is turning 13 this June and I’m scared out of my wits! He’s not a little boy anymore and is about to move out of my room come his birthday. We have the same personality of “keeping to ourselves” and that’s what really scares me. Thanks for sharing this!
Tiffany on May 27th, 2007 8:22 pm

awww—growing up!
Rach on May 27th, 2007 10:24 pm

Hi Dine. A retreat is a good venue for reflection, sharing and opening up. I’m glad that the retreat paved way for Angela to open up her feelings. I’m sure it brought you a good sense of enlightenment and understanding.
salen on May 27th, 2007 10:32 pm

Hi, Dine! (my idol!)

Sobrang na teary-eyed naman ako sa letter ng daughter mo.

My daughter is nearing her teens and Im trying to be so close to her as much as possible… I even brought her to our mommy lunch.

I don’t want her to close her doors for communication … just like what happened to me and my mom.

Thanks for sharing this. By the way, it was an honor to finally meet you. I enjoyed that day, really.
vk on June 4th, 2007 2:07 am

You are lucky, sexy mom; you have a good, respectful, independent child….

You are really a good mom…..

SexyMom: thanks, Vk