The D Spot

Two years after retiring from a jet setting life, and one year now into being a WAHM (now, it sinks–I am actually a work at home mom now) or one who is into virtual work–home based, I realize that there are certain things in my life that have totally changed, though there are some others that have remained unchanged despite the fact that I am now into a totally different set up.

* I now practically do not travel except in cyberspace, the farthest of which is Baguio City for an overnight stay, when I used to live a life in a suitcase: home-airport lounges-airplane-hotel in between meetings abroad and field trips.

* I now talk more and write more, am more empathic and more discerning, open with my feelings, sharing my experiences in my blogs, when I used to keep things to myself.

And look here:

* Now, my kids ask where I have been, call me up or look for me, when I am still out of the house at 7pm!

* Now, my kids bring me pasalubong from school.

* Most times now, I wait up for the kids, instead of them waiting up for me in the past when I was so busy at work and busy traveling.

These are all indications of getting old–counting the numbers. Really, I shunned conversations about age, but basked in glory when I received comments like, you don’t look 50, or “really, you’re like in your 40s only”. When in the past, I counted the years, added them up, stopping along the way, and adding up some more. I did not give an answer when asked about age, or talked in riddles, was even afraid of asking people to guess else they might give a number much higher than the age I had at that moment, felt disappointed when they mentioned a year or 2 older than my age, relieved when they guessed the right age, irritated short of angry when the number was more than 5 the current age, and other different reactions ranging from relief to almost violent, like when

* I used to say my age was still within the calendar (31), lotto (42), mega lotto (45), and then a newer version (lotto 1/49), and in denial to the fact that years from now I have to say Bingo! (at 70)

* one of my kids said, “No mom, you look only like 49 years, NOT 50!”, as if it would have made any difference

* one time in Cambodia and I appeared in my Swedish colleague’s hotel room to do some work, she was so surprised, and said, “oh, Dine, you look like you’re a 16-year old girl, without make up on”. I was then already in my 40s.

* one of my daughters said, “omg! omg! omg! Mom, you’re old?”

* after knowing all the time I was already 35 years old, and realized weeks later that I was only 34, I celebrated.

Now at 40+10,

* I am able to speak up what I want to say, no matter what, with confidence and I am the person I want to be. Life is not anymore focused on “what others think of me”, but “what gives me satisfaction”.

* I can look at the mirror, not anymore panicking over wrinkles, graying hair, puffy eye bags (which incidentally i found a solution to, but still trying to validate the results–another story), no longer saving for a Belo or Calayan make over, lift or a liposuction.

My Body
Now in my golden years
Far from perfect
A waistline bursting in the seams
Boobs crying for support
Greying hair peeping, sometimes hiding
Tiny varicoses seeping through my legs
Patches of skin discoloration here and there
Lasered eyes, drooping cheeks
Eyelids in need of repair
Sigh
What imperfections
When I die, I know
God will not take my body
But He will welcome my soul

That person in the mirror is a reflection of the physical me, while there is another reflection–that of my inner self, my heart, and the aura, the glow, a reflection more meaningful than the physical, understood more by those who know me, are close to me, and those who connect.

* I do not envy the youth, the zest of younger people around me–as I have had my life, I have had my glories, my share of the world, and continue to do so, which no one can ever take away from me, the experiences that have molded the person that I am now. I won’t exchange my life for theirs, just to have that youthful look, that physically sexy body, a flatter tummy, the youthful glow. I have my family, my friends, and myself. I have nothing to prove to myself and to others anymore.

* I am nicer to myself–I eat my chocolates though not anymore in bulk as i used to, sip my wine in style, savor my margaritas, drink my beer super cold, and enjoy my slush or frozen coke.

* The more I have stuck to my belief that “A happy home is better than a clean house”, I take time for pampering and entertainment, including taking care of the little ones in CRIBS, who are not even my kith and kin and reaching out to ohers, giving me immense satisfaction and joy,

* I still continue, just like in the past, to use the best things everyday, instead of setting them aside for visitors or for important occasions, that is why now there are no better plates or better glasses at home.

* I can declare my religious beliefs, go to church more often, talk about my socio-political inclinations or speak out and write my personal thoughts with full confidence, wiser now, knowing that I will be able to defend them.

One by one, I see relatives, friends, colleagues, even people that I do not know going before me to meet their Creator, from the very young and old alike. I know I am to follow suit, that is where we are all bound to–when? how? and where? I have no idea.

I have made a strong resolve and and am slowly working into it, that soon,

if i could, i would
sing at the top of my voice
dance to my heart’s delight
shout what’s in my heart
delight in what i have
wish for what i do not
pirouette, spin, flip, float
mingle, tickle, giggle

This resolve was inspired by Donna (played by Meryl Streep) in the movie, Mamma Mia which I have watched again and again, now for the nth time.

.

I am getting old–that is a fact, but what is more important is YES, I am GROWING IN AGE! and I am celebrating it. I am celebrating LIFE!

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