Midlife

Posted on March 6, 2007
Filed Under Health and Beauty, Information | Viewed 1284 times

This article is not only for females (35-60 according to western books) who are in the phase of their lives, called, “midlife”. It is also for males and females below and above those ages, for them to understand their moms, or aunts, or kins better, for husbands to understand their wives better, and also for women in this age range, in order to understand themselves better, in order to know that there indeed is a “midlife” stage, to do something, if necessary, with what is going on, and to love themselves better!

My ex-officemate and friend, G, invited me last Sunday for a focus group discussion on “midlife”. It was to make her happy, and to have brunch at Cravings in Katipunan that I agreed. Discussions and findings would form part of her final paper, a requirement for her masters in guidance and counselling. Oh, she had a separate focus group—for singles, and the findings were very interesting, too.

10 ladies came, a family doctor, a UP professor, an NGO administrative staff, a staff from an international organization, myself, and 5 women from a poor community a masseuse, and 4 housewives). A good mix, we told G, at least whatever findings she would have would be from a cross section in society. We helped G moderate the group, so that the 5 women from the community (let’s call them the group from the community) would feel comfortable. A little introduction, age, number of children, work, some small quips, and soon, everyone was talking, answering questions, sharing experiences, asking questions.

It was not a surprise to find out that the average number of children of the participants the community was 5, while for the professionals (let’s call working group), it was varied, 1, 2, 2, 5 and 7 (that’s me). All have been married, or living together, for 15 years and above.

Here are some general observations:

Awareness: All 5 from the Filipina working group were aware that there is “midlife”, while 4 out of the 5 from the community have not even heard about it. No one could find a Tagalog word for “midlife”, one from the community asked if “nagmumurang kamatis” (sorry, I could not find an appropriate English translation) was appropriate, while one from the working group coined it as “ang pagdadalaga ulit” (again, difficult to translate, but I will try my best – a reawakening, maybe or “2nd young adulthood). For now, let us call it “midlayf”.

Concept of “Midlife”: Most of the women from the community associated “midlife” with menopause, while those from the working group felt that menopause was only one of the aspects (the physical) in “midlife”. Different age ranges were given, though everyone agreed that “midlife” is just that—life in the middle, not young, not old.

Is it Positive or Negative?: It was gratifying to note that there was generally a positive attitude toward midlife, like one feels more confident, given the experience and knowledge gained. While most found it positive, others still have fears, mostly arising from financial difficulties. Negative side is that while going through the phase of midlife, a lot of changes happen so fast: physical, emotional, and social, sometimes difficult to explain.“Midlife” is a developmental life stage, it intends to transform. And with this goes a number of changes, physical, emotional and social, to name a few.

Physical (ouch! rather than explaining, I am tempted to quote some excerpts of a poem I wrote a few weeks ago:

Oh, my youth
Almost perfect
Whistle bait figure
Skin romancing the wind
With its youthful glow
Hair dancing to the sun’s delight
Lips puckering, they could kill
Eyes luring, intoxicating the prey
Legs wowing
Enchanting days of my youth

Now nearing my golden years
Far from perfect
A waistline bursting in the seams
Boobs crying for support
Greying hair peeping, sometimes hiding
Tiny varicoses seeping through my legs
Patches of skin discoloration here and there
Lasered eyes, drooping cheeks
Eyelids in need of a lift
Sigh, What imperfections

I am also borrowing Beng’s interesting poem, Turning 45 (thanks, Beng!) , and Annamanila’s The Best is Still to Be (thanks Anna!), which explains a lot.

Emotional: outbursts, unexplained anger, bouts of depression especially during the initial phase, but slowly, these are overcome; one even observed that people are dying, those a little bit older, those near our age, so there is the fear of loss. Health, future of children, and aging become real life issues. And yes, finding oneself. All said, “midlife” is ultimately about the search for true meaning in life.

Social: One now has more time for oneself, when in the past all activities were toward taking care of work and family. Sex life (now I am not sure if this falls under social, couldit be under emotional), most mentioned is more relaxed, others even more intense, because this time, there is less fear of a pregnancy for some. For some, because of continuing difficulties, sex life has even become almost non-existent.

And How to Cope? While our counterparts in the west have a whole lot of support group, shrinks, pills and all, we Filipinas do not, but certainly, we have a good coping mechanism. The Filipina woman is resilient. Now, one finds time to pamper oneself, the participants in the community talked about having time for karaoke, queing up, if not watching, for “Wowowee”. The participants from the working group talked about”self time” for sports, spa/massage, concerts, ball room dancing, time out with friends, even going for meditation and retreats.

Unfortunately, very few Filipino books on midlife are available, though there are western books. Why, I ask, do books on adolescence abound, while there are very few on “midlife”. It is high time that the government, or even volunteers in society, address this. If there are groups tending for mother-child care, senior citizens, and the disadvantaged, I guess there could be a group who will cater to “midlife”. As I mentioned in the introduction, for our children to understand us better, for our husbands to understand us better, and for us to understand ourselves better.

At least for now, awareness is the key. And a question pops out: Is there a thing such as “male midlife”? Sure there is, it will be interesting to know the whats, hows and whys.

picture: from www.c-boom.com/images/postcard_exerciselg.jpg through google.

Comments

41 Responses to “Midlife”

Rach on March 6th, 2007 2:36 pm

Very interesting insights about midlife.

I’ve often heard the term ‘midlife crisis’ which made me think of my aunt. I heard how she felt depressed and annoyed all the time. I guess it had to do with changes in her body due to menopause.

But I’m glad that it was just a phase that she went through and she seems in much better disposition now.
Toe on March 6th, 2007 4:42 pm

This jolted me Sexy Mom! Didn’t realize that I’m in my midlife already. Thought I was just starting life… especially with regard to work and family.
Gypsy on March 6th, 2007 5:14 pm

I love this post! I also agree that the thing that keeps the Filipina going and glowing at midlife is the fact that we are resilient and we take things in stride (with a dose of humor).
tofubaby on March 6th, 2007 5:46 pm

Interesting. Thank you for giving us an insight about the future. Awareness helps us to prepare us more especially in the emotional and mental aspect.
Kyels on March 6th, 2007 7:15 pm

I think it’s how you handle things though I’d agree that there are issues such as midlife itself.

(:
Lynn on March 6th, 2007 8:49 pm

So I’m in midlife already. I can identify with the ‘telltale’ signs from your post. I’d like to agree with you on that
‘2nd young adulthood’. It’s like I’m doing things w/c I was afraid or too lazy to do when I was in my 20s. Those activities recharge me now.
Angelo on March 6th, 2007 9:47 pm

Oh man, I’m almost already in “midlife”!? What a wide range of age groups, I hope I don’t have my “midlife crisis” for a while yet Thanks for posting, at least I could keep my eyes out for the symptoms early. Cheers!
Belle on March 6th, 2007 9:52 pm

i asked my husband just now, “what is midlife crisis?” He answered without hesitation, “that is when your life changes, when you go through menopause.”

I asked him,” do you think, I am going through midlife?” He said, “no, I didn’t even notice it.” He is right, I am perfectly happy with my life at age 40 something than when i was single except when my teenagers give me trouble. It is how you deal with it. Why fight something you can’t control? I’d say grapple midlife with confidence and a dose of humor.
Sexy Mom on March 6th, 2007 10:35 pm

Rach – ML is a passing phase, i guess your aunt is in a much better disposition now.
Sexy Mom on March 6th, 2007 10:36 pm

Toe – ML is not about the age (the age 35-60 by western standards is a wide range). if indeed you are already in this stage, yours is in the positive side (same here) same, too, with Gypsy and Belle how nice!
Sexy Mom on March 6th, 2007 10:38 pm

Lynn, too, has described it as positive.
Sexy Mom on March 6th, 2007 10:41 pm

you have a long way to go, Kyels, and advanced happy birthday! 21 is not bad…you’re so young!

and toffubaby, too, still a long way to go…enjoy your youth!
Sexy Mom on March 6th, 2007 11:27 pm

Angelo, the age range of 35-60, by western standards, is a wide range.
and ML in males, that should be interesting.
chase on March 6th, 2007 11:50 pm

I learned a thing or two from this post! But as far as I noticed people are getting younger these days probably due to plastic fantastic and other hormonal therapies
Sexy Mom on March 6th, 2007 11:58 pm

chase – indeed! as a coping mechanism for ML
Shari on March 7th, 2007 1:56 am

Oh. Now I know why mom’s like that. LOL. Kidding!

Nagmumurang kamatis – cursing tomato LOL The Filipino language sure is amazing.
vic on March 7th, 2007 3:13 am

Midlife had already visited me and all my other siblings and now we are all getting ready(majority already there) for the ‘after midlife’, if there is such a thing. I think the hectic phase of life here may have contributed to our not noticing the stages too much but now that some are already retired and the phase are getting slower, then maybe the post midlife will be different.
analyse on March 7th, 2007 5:30 am

life begins at 40 right.. is that a crisis hehe. really nice read.. and yes, is there anything as male midlife?
rhodora on March 7th, 2007 8:33 am

Well, at midlife, I guess I have gained more confidence with myself, though I say I still have my passions burning. Actually, it is at this stage in my life that I seem to want to do and learn so many things. And what is nice about this age, is that you can have more sleeping hours because you don’t have to go through diaper changes and baby feeding in at wee hours of the night.
snglguy on March 7th, 2007 9:45 am

Being a “mid-lifer” (if we go by western standards) for the past ten years hasn’t changed me much. I’m still as clueless as I was when I was in my thirties. ... haha.

But the years did mellow me down a bit, I have learned to accept my numerous flaws as a human being and heck, I can even laugh at my own expense these days…
Alex on March 7th, 2007 10:24 am

With today’s life expectancy, shouldn’t 25-30 be considered mid-life ? If you reach past 60, you should be considered, “lucky.”

Many of my friends (overworked corporate monkeys) feel so old at 23. I wonder why.
annamanila on March 7th, 2007 3:10 pm

Mid-life .. I am past it I guess or almost past it. Was there a crisis? If there was, it didn’t shake my world much.

Time was I was so fond of saying:

I’M A HOT BABE AND I GOT HOT FLUSHES TO PROVE IT.
dimaks on March 7th, 2007 7:07 pm

I believe in the wisdom growing along with age.
vina on March 7th, 2007 8:44 pm

at 30, i feel like i am just starting to enjoy life and appreciate the real me and the special people around me. i don’t want to grow old, look back, and regret on things that i should have done.
ghee on March 7th, 2007 11:19 pm

scary huh?but it would come for sure.
i think we are still lucky nowadays coz we are aware of what to do,or maybe to prepare ourselves,rather than the people how many generations ago

physically,we could start an appropriate exercise and research for some supplements that would be fit for us…am i telling this to myself? LOL!

nice poem btw!
Sexy Mom on March 8th, 2007 12:58 am

shari, you make me and and ROFL! i thought it was not cursing, i thought it was “acting young”. oh, well!
Sexy Mom on March 8th, 2007 12:59 am

vic – i know you will not agree if i say “old age”. again, ROFL!
Sexy Mom on March 8th, 2007 1:02 am

analyse – life begins at 40, and it’s cool and fun! as rhodora, annamanila, vina and i echo in agreement. we rock!

and dimaks, you are right, with age comes wisdom
Sexy Mom on March 8th, 2007 1:04 am

Alex – let’s be kind to them, your overworked corporate poor monkeys. and see how snglguy laughs away
Sexy Mom on March 8th, 2007 1:08 am

ghee, it must have been scary for our moms and aunts, they were not even aware about it. as to excercise, i huff and puff, supplements na lang (and it was found out that the antioxidants are not really sage)
Loving Annie on March 8th, 2007 5:23 am

Sexy Mom,
Very astute comments about midlife ! As I approach 49 years old, self-time is very important, as is the search for meaning. I definitely KNOW that men go through a midlife crisis as well… What you kimagined your life to be often is not where it is, and a lot of questions come up to look at…
Leah on March 8th, 2007 5:38 am

I think I am midlifing….
Sexy Mom on March 8th, 2007 8:44 am

hi, Loving Annie – despite the search, despite the questions, loving pa din naman (same age pala tayo)

and Leah – in midlifing, it is best to think positive! i like that word.
Honey G on March 8th, 2007 3:29 pm

Hi Sexy Mom! Remember we were just talking about what action to take in order to inform people about midlife….whalaaaa! With your talent in writing and the wonders of internet blogging, you have already made a contribution by informing people about midlife…sharing your thoughts and what we discovered in our group discussion. Your readers even have a chance to ask, comment and express themselves..(made them reflect about their life too)....blogging truly works! Thanks again! Mwah

One thing I have learned from all the people I have talked to about midlife… its just a phase in life which may occur as a crisis or a new beginning you can look forward to, depending on how you will perceive things in life. One thing that came out of the discussion group was for us not to forget to take a break (from all your roles in life) so you won’t be burnt out….take care of yourself, pamper yourself once in a while and try to enjoy life…be positive and accept the challenges.
Sexy Mom on March 8th, 2007 3:36 pm

Honey G, thanks, am touched! we have to continue making people aware of it. Once your paper is approved, and you have graduated, consider writing a book—we your friends can help. mwah:)
Honey G on March 8th, 2007 3:59 pm

Don’t worry sexy mom! Will really take that into consideration. In fact, sinama na kita sa thesis ko…I quoted you… oh diba? and during my presentation, I’ll be mentioning something about your blog and that you have so many readers who can relate and who can share their experiences…goes to show….you’re not alone in experiencing this phase…

Thanks again!
KK on March 11th, 2007 11:09 am

I’ve observed some people going through midlife. There are people who seem to have “aged gracefully” and some don’t seem to accept getting old.

From what I’ve seen, the people in secure and happy relationships age gracefully.

The ones who are not in secure and happy relationships are very concerned of making sure that they look younger than they really are. Maybe in hopes to attract a mate.

Ms. Dine maybe you should author a book on Midlife for Filipinos.
Sexy Mom on March 11th, 2007 11:35 am

same observations here, kk. this is why there should be a support group in the community.

as to writing a book—i have mentioned that to Honey Gail, since she already has a pile of studies, research and interviews (what she needs though is to experience ML—she’s still young). Honey Gail, take the cue, there are so many friends in the blogosphere who can give inputs for that “dream book”.
vk on March 23rd, 2007 4:32 am

hi sexy mom,

wow very interesting post,,,...midlife crises….i am one of this now….
sometimes, i can´t understand myself too, emotionally and socially….

my kids, they asked their dad, what happen to me….i am comisch,.... lol

until i go to my gene, and have a check-up and she told me about this midlife crises…..menupause stage…..lol

i think this is true, life begin at 40´s…..

thanks for sharing this post…..
tutubi on March 30th, 2007 10:40 am

ei sexy mom,

here’s one of your students. trying to learn things now even before i found myself in those predicaments.

i made changes to my blog and also will add you to my blogroll. hope it’s ok to exchange links

thanks

sexy mom: am flattered, dear…am happy to touch other people’s hearts.
Kongkong622 on June 26th, 2007 10:02 am

Hi SexyMom..this is a very timely post esp. for me as I am knocking on this phase’s door. My ob-gyne told me that when the time comes for me I will pretty much mimic my Mom’s experience. I hope she’s right because I vividly remember that my Mom had it pretty easy.