The Joy of Being a Mother - Discipline
Posted on April 12, 2007
Filed Under Parenting and Family | Viewed 1694 times
What comes to your mind when you hear the word “discipline”? Chances are, most would have a negative connotation in mind, such as “don’t do this”, “don’t do that”, “setting rules”, “punishment” or “control”.
Of course, we all want to have well-disciplined children. Our “expectation”—what do we really want for and from our children? To what extent can we tolerate our children’s reactions towards our expectations? Children respond towards parent’s discipline in different ways. Haven’t you noticed that in most cases, when all that the child hears are the “negatives” (don’t do that, don’t ever repeat that, that’s bad, etc.), the child’s tendency is not to listen. It is the “rebel” in the child that reacts. Sometimes, there ensues a power play between the parent and the child, on who would surface the winner. And if this becomes the routine set up, the child would end up a difficult child.
I have always been very patient with my children, even when I had only two in the earlier years. Most of all, I have avoided the “negatives”. In their very early childhood, I would tolerate them as much as I could and as long as their actions are not destructive. Like, I give them freedom in their playtime—as children, they would like to play with water (a no no to many parents), sand (another no no, except in the beach), blocks, crayons, etc. (or even use furniture as play paraphernalia!) I did not impose sleep time during the day—they would sleep when they get tired, anyway. What was important to me was they would be happy in the “now” in that “present moment”.
You may say, “Why? You don’t discipline your children at all!” Perhaps, not, but I don’t see any need to impose this discipline when it is not called for. What I mean is, sometimes, we impose so many rules, so many set ups that are not called for at the moment. (You will even be surprised to know that by age 8-10 months, almost all my babies were off the diapers, and at age 2 years old, they eat on their own, by age four, bath and dress up on their own. But this will be on an entirely different topic).
What our children need is love and open communication. Once we are able to truly let them feel this, everything will follow, and will fall in its proper place. Another factor is the example we, and the other adults they deal with daily, set. I am proud to say, that I have brought up my seven kids in the same “positive” discipline, and seldom do I encounter problems in bringing them up.
At home, there are no hard rules, perhaps only silent ones, and our children know what we expect from them. It is important that both father and mother come up with a single stand so as not to confuse the children. Our elder children would ask our permission if they would like to go to parties, concerts, visit friends, go to the malls, or would call if they are late or need to be fetched at a later time. Both the elder and younger ones would do their homework, watch TV up to certain hours, limit phone time, share toys, books, etc. My children are not perfect. They commit mistakes, but we are gentle in correcting them, with a certain degree of authority. I don’t say, “sweetheart, I don’t think what you did was right”. I say, “Vincent (or whoever, by name), I don’t think what you did was right”, then explain why, and if there is a need for him to say sorry to the aggrieved party, do so right away. Discipline should not be delayed. I also don’t let an incident blow up to proportions. When I feel that something would go wrong, I would immediately intervene, or try to correct the situation.
The bottom line is we discipline our children because we love them, not because we want our self-imposed rules to be followed. Isn’t it such a joy to have such caring, cheerful, well-disciplined children, without even trying hard?
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Dine Racoma is Sexy Mom, a Filipina doing what she likes best—writing, her passion. She writes freelance, does research, advises on new media, and manages a virtual assistance office for home-based jobs. A mother of 7 (what joy!) foremost, a wife, MIL, grandma to 2 pretty girls and an angel in heaven, sister, daughter, friend. Was in the corporate world for 27 years, the first 5 as Executive Secretary to an affiliate of the country’s biggest drug chain, and the last 22 as an international civil servant in an international development bank with HQ in Manila. Traveled extensively to many countries bringing about rich experiences and lessons learned to share with dear Readers. All these—in The D Spot
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I know exactly what you mean…but what is great here (on your part lol!, I just have to read your again and again and again. Not because I know all these things it implies that I do the same to my kid. Your post just yelling out loud on me “hey! this is how to bring up a kid!”
Anyway, I still have more time , I know me and my kid will learn from this post
thanks to you titasexymom
sexy mom: am sure you know what is best. welcome back to Manila, Melai!
This is so nice! I mean it is true that if parents impose strict rules you tend to break it. I am that kind of person. I tend to be rebellious since everything is almost a no.
I told myself that if I have my own children I wouldnt do such a thing. And watching Nanny 911 helped me alot in getting ideas in what to do with children
sexy mom: i’m sure, you would be great, if ever!
biblical naman ang pag di-disiplina sa mga anak, sabi nga “spare the rod, spoil the child”
hmmm… pano ba kme dinisiplina? di ko maremember. hehehe. basta di kme pinapalo. pero takot kme gumawa ng masama kse ayaw namin na pagalitan kme. disciplined man kme or hindi (yuck! hindi ko alam kung ano.. hehe), what we’re sure of when we were kids are we are loved. nafeel namin yung love
sexy mom: what a lasting impression your parents had on you.
I agree in using positive comments on disciplining kids. They might end up less rebelous.
sexy mom: that’s true, positive comments go a long way.
my parents naman used a reverse psychology to discipline us and i think it was very effective
sexy mom: each parent, a strategy
i totally understand this post… like its not just discipline.. but dapat open ang communication. they say what they feel and all that..
ako naman… i am disciplined as well by my parents the “dont spare the rod” was done by my parents.. but they explain it well.
i grew up.. not hating the spanks.. and all those “youre grounded things”... not hating when i was asked to kneel down and place my hands high sidewards (we call that luhod)... i actually grew up…cherishing them…
depende na kasi un sa parents… if they explained it well.. why this why that… others kasi.. it leads to rebelling kids.. they dont explain and they dont let their kids speak… one good thing is… we can voice out our opinions..
sexy mom: yes, it’s open communication.
this post reminds me of a book I read about discipline – it says discipline shouldnt be about the parent’s reaction to bad behavior, but about having the right relationship with the child. way of life kumbaga. and you are a great example of this.
ps i just noticed that you added me in your blogroll. thanks. tuwa ako sa “spices”
sexy mom: it should be interesting to read that book. about spiCes, i should have been mixed up.
hmmm.. i wonder why my name was used in the example. hehehe!
sexy mom: because you are so sweet, dear Vince! luvya!
i can totally relate to this post of your sexy mom. i remember attending a Bible Study with child discipline as topic and the Bible verse (i forgot what specific chapter it is): “Train up a child in the way that he should go, that when he is old, he will not depart from it”, as the center of our discussion. we even discussed if corporal punishment (like spanking)is way necessary.
i really admire the parenting style you had for your children. and you’re right, it’s a joy disciplining them without even trying hard.
i hope i can do the same with Nico.
sexy mom: with all the love in your heart, i am sure you will.
I hope I’ll do well in disciplining my son… he’s stubborn kasi. And I’m sooo kind kaya I dread the time when I can’t say “no” to him. Hmm?
sexy mom: with love, you will never go wrong!
I was reading something about St. John Bosco earlier and your approach is somewhat similar.
Me. I have only two words with my kids: discipline and responsibility.
Discipline like your brand of discipline and being responsible for the actions they may take. In short if you are displined enough, you will use your brain faculty before doing any irresponsible acts.
I do not expect too much from them as this will create undue pressure and cause them to be unhappy inside. I just give and provide them the guidance to excel. I avoid words that promote sibling rivalry instead words of encouragement so they may help each other and share their talents when one needs to be helped.
Living by example is I guess the best way to lead your children.
Masyadong mahigpit at masyadong maluwag is a BIG NO sa amin.
I follow Kahlil Gibran’s idea on children.
sexy mom: true true
And of course, i almost forgot, true LOVE is the key.
I couldn’t agree more!
I also avoid negative things … what I try to instill is that as long as I still correct their mistakes, my LOVE for them is there. They should be alarmed when I don’t discipline them, it means I don’t care about them anymore.
have a good day!
sexy mom: that will be the worst, when moms don’t care anymore.
My mother has always been strict with us and even though she can be very fierce, we still love the way she taught us things.
sexy mom: we all love our mothers, no matter what!
I explain to my tween daughter what I expect from her: study her lessons, do her homework, clean up her room, don’t fight with younger siblings. She used to ask why she has to do all these things and I told her these things are not for me (kunyari, LOL) but for her own good. She believes me (I think she does because she does these things and even help with the house chores). My boy who has asthma knows his limits when it comes to playing and staying up late because he has a price to pay for those times: an attack. We can start disciplining them when they are older and more independent and mature. We have to teach them proper and acceptable behavior while they are still young.
When I was growing up, I was not really disciplined the hard way but I thought I owe it to my parents to make a good life for myself to make them proud having me as their daughter.
sexy mom: open communication is very important.
Oopps, sorry, a typo: We can start disciplining them when they are older and more independent and mature. Should have been: We CAN’T start disciplining them when they are older and more independent and mature.
My parents disciplined me and then my yaya spoiled me to bits… hehehe!
But you are right that at home there are no fast rules but only the silent ones. I think it is the parents’ example and love which makes the best discipline and which makes the children want to be good.
sexy mom: you are lucky because your “yaya” is the real yaya, unlike the yayas nowadays who cannot stay put in the home, and who maltreat their wards.
1. Honestly I say these things “don’t do this”, “don’t do that” but will go for further explanation why they don’t have to. Children will not understand until we parents explain things.
2. “setting rules”, I don’t have strict rules but they need to follow certain things at home…it’s a way of showing respect between us.
3. “punishment” or “control”. I punish them according to the degree of what they did ! Control them if it’s necessary for example I don’t want them to stay too much in the kitchen while I am cooking because it is dangerous. There are utensils like knife etc. sometimes children are capable of something unexpected !
My parents disciplined us in many degrees and different approaches… When we were a child, when we were adolescents and when we became an adult and I guess there are so many stages on how to discipine a person. And I am doing the same thing with my children especially we are in a different environment where spanking children is already a crime…they consider it maltreatment
This is not to exaggerate but it’s true !
Here they have different approach at school they ask children to call the police to that extent if parents laid their hands on them ! Basta pag pinalo maltreatment na ! I understand their side (it’s for children’s protection) but they also need to explain carefully to the children because they will not understand.
Iba po kasi dito ang mga french na bata dito Tita, di talaga katulad ng mga bata sa atin ! My son spend most of his time at school so they see a lot of things from their colleagues at minsan akala niya tama yon! So dyan po ako mag interfere and explain to him things !
But things for sharing these…it helps !
sexy mom: yes, i understand, there’s also a consideration of cultural differences. as i keep saying, different folks, different strokes
oppss sory i was saying thak you for sharing these !
at home (since i live w/my folks now), power play is between me and my mom! in raising my sons that is.
her uprbringing style is way different from mine. i call it, “cold discipline”. its lacks warmth so to speak, that’s how we were raised. i am very demonstrative with my boys. lots of touch and hugs. mom comments that i’m too lax because i let them get away with some of their mischief. personally, i don’t think so. its just a fun way of imposing discipline. my kids and i compromise and they do their part.
my sons learned to adjust eventually. my mom’s different and so am i.
sexy mom: good that your sons learn to adjust, otherwise, you should be careful. it’s kinda difficult for kids if there are conflicting personalities in the household, particularly with the people they are closest with.
Well put Dine.
It takes some time to understand what you’re saying. I mean the understanding comes with maturity I guess. I’m a tad immature sometimes and the whole point of discipline sometimes gets lost in translation. I guess, understanding it comes full circle when you have kids of your own.
sexy mom: don’t worry, take your time.
“We discipline them because we love them.”
It’s so true it’s better to be more positive than negative when dealing with children. I believe that we have to let our children know their boundaries because when they go out in the real world, they’ll have to deal with them. What I try to achieve is to let my child THINK of what she is doing and make a concious decision rather than me making it for her so that in the future she will apply the same thought process on other things. I am lax on the petty things(like sleep time, playing in the mud, etc.) but firm on certain things like safety.
sexy mom: we can never compromise safety!
very well written. my parents’ method were the same, open communication. i cant even remember a time when they scolded any of us. everything was taken on a conversational mode, and it worked more efficiently. everybody respects everybody, and each one of us are responsible of our own actions. if something is wrong, we talk it out inside the house and never talked about the problem outside, not even to our titas. my mom never wanted us to be humiliated before anybody else. and i want the same for louna… what i observe here in france is that they talk about everything when they see each other, like this one is bad in math or something like that, infront of the concerned person. and i feel pity to that person sometimes.. well, to frenchguy’s niece and nephew… so i told frenchguy that i dont want the same kind of topic with louna, if they’ve got a problem with my daughter, then they tell it to me in private, not during family gatherings para pag pyestahan lang ang kalokohan ng anak ko.. but well, till now, no instances pa naman hehe..
sexy mom: same as you, i would never allow any of my kids to be humiliated!
I remembered my Nanay tuloy. GOD I missed her…...
sexy mom: God bless your mom!
Congratulations for raising seven good kids!
indeed, we discipline out of love but how great is the love of a person should compensate the need, not the way to punish…great mom….
sexy mom: very deep, bro Vince, deep in meaning! but true!
Dine, you set good example to all the mothers, young and old.
Mabuhay ka!
sexy mom: thanks, Belle, for the nice words!
Good Friday morning Sexy Mom,
How are you ?
I don’t have any children, but it certainly sounds like your are turning out right ! Your love comes through in your posts…
sexy mom: good Monday afternoon! i continue to keep my fingers crossed, and yes, everything seems to be turning out right. thanks, dear.
How can I quarrel with your brand of discipline (or lack of it) when your lovely and achieving children are walking evidence it works.
Wish I could turn back time.
sexy mom: lack of it (LOL!), no we can never turn back the hands of time, your children have turned out to be the best, dear.
Hi Sexymom! I totally agree with your positive style. i remember reading somewhere that it’s better to tell children what to do instead of what not to do. Like telling them “Please be quiet” instead of “Don’t be noisy.”
My parents did not spare us from the rod. Though I do not hold it against them, I intend to spare mine. I just can’t imagine physically disciplining or hurting my child in any way. I’d rather discipline my daughter with diplomacy.
sexy mom: i feel that nowadays parents as much as possible take the more diplomatic side. i can’t imagine you hurting little jamaine!
nice,we have some things in common,on how to raise our kids.this post fits my “tag”
to you,already,but i know that you have lots to share.
you are “IT”,happy weekend!!
sexy mom: thanks, Ghee. yes, we have lots to share.
but you are more expert than i do,of course!
sexy mom: we are all experts, dear! in many other ways.
I truly love your posts, tita! I learn something new in each and every post of yours. I will keep everything in mind so when the time comes I become a mom, I can put every good thing I know into use.
Btw, I posted our pic taken this lunchtime
Twas nice meeting you po!
sexy mom: i was so happy to see you, cai and the rest of our blog friends there at iblog3. i was also very touched to know that there are many young uns out there who read sexy mom’s posts. you are all like my teen kids to me. luvya all! hope to see you all again!
I don’t agree with how I was raised. When I’m raising my own bunch (yeearss from now), I’ll know I at least have one good reference.
sexy mom: years from now, you will be mothers…but in the now, do enjoy your youth!
Again, thanks for posts such as this. I learn alot. When the time I have my own child/ren i’ll look back to this advice.
sexy mom: as i told carlotta, when it comes, you will know what to do—motherly instinct.
my mum disciplined me and my brothers the old-fashioned way and though i promised myself i won’t do the same thing to my own kids (that is, if i ever have any! ü), i feel like i might be a little old fashioned myself when the time comes. yikes!
sexy mom: by the time that comes, you will know what to do. part of it is motherly instinct.
We discipline our kids differently, what is applicable to others maybe not working with the other sibling. But one thing i always tell them, We are doing this because we love them that much.
sexy mom: true true! the bottomline is that – we love them very much!
before nahirapan din akong magdiscipline sa 2 kong anak…..
i like what my parents do to us….ginawa ko yon…..kaya lang iba dito….they are quite different, ways nila at appoached kay sa natutuhan ko….
so, i do what i think what is right for my kids with the help of my husband….
hindi ko i-push yon na-experienced ko sa parents ko…their way of up-bringing us.
...... Love and Communication between our kids….......these what we do.
Hope, they stay respectful and loving kids…...
thanks for sharing, dine…..
sexy mom: ah, the key words: Love and Communication! true, true!
So here she is, the sex symbol of the blogosphere!
Hehe, Tita Dine? Right?
Thanks for the comment, anyway, I’ve read this post and it’s a .. motherly post. Yeah.
My parents were pretty moderate in terms of discipline, since I’m the youngest. They just let me do things all by myself, warn me about certain dangers that might come my way, but still – they trust me, that I’m mature enough to discern the consequences of the actions I’ve made.
Ayun. Daan, tita!
sexy mom: thanks! thanks! for visiting, i am always happy to have young uns visiting. this is not only a mommy’s corner, you know. it has bits and pieces of anything.
anyway, if you visit more often, i would guarantee you, you will find so many things in the minds of mothers.
well written, so glad got stumble here. After reading your post, i felt like, i need to reconstruct how I discipline my kid. We have an open communication but i have a tendency of yelling. Thanks for sharing this. I will surely will come back and read some more.
Happy Monday and enjoy your week. Take care.
sexy mom: hi, carlota, thanks for dropping by. we can learn from each other—i found your site interesting.
I think you did a great job raising your 7 children, sexymom. Kitang-kita naman ang resulta, diba ?
I’m also like you, I don’t set too many boundaries and my mother always compares my way to that of my sister’s. She says that I am very modern or contemporary and my sister is very conventional.
But I do think that every parent has their own way of raising their children and they do what they think is best for their children. There is no right or wrong way.
sexy mom: yes, parents know what is best for their children. different folks, different strokes
many kids this days try to play up with parents. I wonder how many parents allow thier kids do: pajama party, sleep overs, late nights going home when they ares till minors!
all this are no no to me.
the birds are home before six, why cant the kids wth brain better than the birds cant do it?
sexy mom: good point, dear Francesca. i do allow my kids to sleep over, that is, only if we know them very well, including their parents, and that includes telephoning (meaning-monitoring) them every once in a while.
I tend to favor the first definition that dictionary.com states:
Discipline:
Training to act in accordance with rules.
But you’re right. We are conditioned to think of the word in the negative.
I’m a first time mom, where do I start? I have a 15-month old daughter. I can tell she’s smart, but… whatever I do, she also does including “scolding”. I beat her on her palms if she does something wrong (syempre di malakas), but when I do, she thinks that we are playing (maybe?) kaya pinapalo din ako.
And whenever I do, my husband corrects me. She’s still small daw…
So, kelan pala dapat?
But one thing I notice, mas takot sya sa husband ko, kasi minsanan lang magsaway. Siguro dahil sanay na syang maringgan ako ng NO kaya di na tinatablan hehe!
So, I guess, your way is better po…