Parenting–The risks I took (and continue to take)
Posted on June 25, 2008
Filed Under Faith and Spirituality, Parenting and Family | Viewed 684 times
Twenty eight years into parenting, and now I realize that during the course of my parenting career, which continues up to this moment, I have taken risks, too many and too significant not to look back to and assess. This might shock many of you, but before you vent your violent reactions, or stop reading what you may classify as crap, please let me finish my post first.
I was blind, deaf and mute, meaning I tried to see no evil, hear no evil, and talk no evil. There were times when a kid misbehaved, but I pretended not to see; kids quarelled, but I pretended not to hear; and there were times when I really wanted to blow my top, but did not speak a word.
33.33% of half of my parenting career, meaning the last 15 years before I went on early retirement, I was an absentee mother, virtually a virtual mom, the family semi-dysfunctional, with a mother and a father alternately going on foreign and local trips, sometimes even at the same time at different places. On top of the regular trips here and abroad, I took an MBA class at the Ateneo, going to class 2 to 3 times a week for 2 years. I missed a lot of milestones in my children’s life, from birthdays to family days in school, to First Holy Communion, to Confirmation, to wedding preparations, to PTA meetings, even doctor’s visits and hospitalizations, and more. Almost 2 years ago, I took early retirement, and I am finally home.
While I was traveling, they had their fill of trauma. I didn’t realize that every time I left for a country that was for them “not safe” and in which they would see terrorism-related news on CNN and BBC, like Pakistan, Bangladesh and Sri Lanka, the kids, especially Monica, would feel tense, and worried for me. One time in Pakistan a bomb blast happened in the airport a few minutes after I left, or in Bangladesh when a bomb blew off in the city where I was, or where a “hartal” (a wide spread general strike) left me stranded in the hotel for 3 days. There was a town I went to in Sri Lanka which was completely washed away by the great tsunami a month after I visited, and another town which required a lot of security clearances and wearing bullet proof vests. They could not forget stories of air packets or difficult flights. They left bad memories, which they thought could happen again in the next trip.
Life was good, or so my children thought, even if at times there were financial problems. I sent them to the best schools in town (at the Ateneo, Miriam College, Claret School, and UP for their college), fed them enough and sometimes more than enough, and shielded them from the truth and harsh realities of life.
Discipline, ha? It was not a byword in my home. You may ask, “Didn’t you discipline your children at all?”
There are more risks that I took, they are at the back of my mind, but I guess these are the biggest risks of all.
BIG RISKS, aren’t they? Now let me go back to each, and explain.
I was blind, deaf and mute. What I wanted was for them to realize their own mistakes and sort things out among themselves. I never took sides, much as I wanted to, I would remain quiet and that was a signal that something was not right. They knew that I was patient, a cool mom, a loving one, but they had to right the wrong. Most of the time they did, if they didn’t it was time for open communication, and everything woulf fall in the proper place.
33.33% of half of my parenting career I was an absentee mother. Who could resist the wonders of travel, the dollars the assignments bring, and the chance to work with high level and important people? I couldn’t and didn’t, besides I had no choice as it was part of my work. My advantage was the technology, no matter how expensive, was part of the package—unlimited internet connection, webcams, leased lines for direct telephone calls, text messaging, and many more, in 5-star comfort. They became the substitute of face to face encounters, emails were substitutes of real talk, good nights, hugs, kisses, all virtual—but better than none. The kids have learned to become independent, and they have turned to each other for company and comfort.
Life was good, or so my children thought. What parents would want their kids to be scarred for life? We stood up to our responsibilities, provided for the kids’ needs, even without assurance that money would be enough. It it wasn’t, we made ways. Looking back, it was very difficult, I was placed in situations which I would not like to repeat—and I have learned my lessons. Now that the kids are grown up, I have opened up to them, explained the sacrifices that we took, and now they know the value of money, and they understand me now more than ever. They never missed on their childhood, if they did, it was minimal. They see the harsh realities of life, and are more emphatic toward those who have less in life . Oh, yes, I am sure they will be able to handle whatever come their way, with their value formation in school and at home.
Discipline, ha? It was not a byword in my home. At home, there are no hard rules, perhaps only silent ones. I didn’t see any need to impose discipline when it was not called for. What I mean is, sometimes, parents impose so many rules, so many set ups that are not called for at the moment. What our children need is love and open communication. Once we are able to truly let them feel this, everything will follow, and will fall in its proper place. Another factor is the example we, and the other adults they deal with daily, set.
I am proud to say, that my husband and I have brought up my 7 kids in a “positive” discipline. Yes, we do encounter problems in bringing them up—who doesn’t? My family is not perfect. In this age of materialism, mothers with no headaches at all in rearing children are a rarity (more so, for a mother of 7!). There would always be difficulties in raising children: peer pressure, not studying lessons or even no interest at all in schooling, flanking school, addiction to computer games, even alcoholism, and drugs, going out of dates, etc., etc. But this is not the case for us.
I have been through a lot, raising 7 children in the last 28 years. The only difference perhaps, is that I was and continue to be cool. I do not panic, and I take each situation differently. Over the years, I have perhaps perfected the art of seeing no evil, speaking no evil, and hearing no evil with my children. I have always been a positive person; I never used the “rod”; the words “no, don’t do that” were used only in extreme cases. When trouble is about to come, I would anticipate it, and take action immediately. This is perhaps one of the reasons why the children have grown to be positive persons, not one of them rebelled. They take care of each other and are independent. It’s such a joy to have such caring, cheerful, well-disciplined children, without even trying hard.
My husband and I have been very happy with the way our children have shaped up, and we credit part of this in the way their schools take part, not only in their education, but most importantly, in their formation. And let me not forget to share with you the most important factor that keeps us going, and going, and going: our wonderful God and Father, who is the center of our lives. Together, each night, we pray as a family.
I continue to take risks, but I am more careful now.
I end this post by sharing with you my My Mission Statement
mommy, mama, mom, ma—any which way
mother to 7 wonderful blessings
a lifetime commitment
parent, friend, companion, mentor, support
to mold each child from infancy to adulthood
to guide and lead each child to become
an upright citizen and worthy child of God
to love with utter selflessness
in all understanding, sympathy, forgiveness
amidst the challenges of this changing world
each moment, a pleasure, what joy!
my cup overflows and I am thankful
I am but their custodian
time will come when I will face my Creator
to humbly say, “mission accomplished!”
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20 Responses to “Parenting–The risks I took (and continue to take)”
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About Me
Dine Racoma is Sexy Mom, a Filipina doing what she likes best—writing, her passion. She writes freelance, does research, advises on new media, and manages a virtual assistance office for home-based jobs. A mother of 7 (what joy!) foremost, a wife, MIL, grandma to 2 pretty girls and an angel in heaven, sister, daughter, friend. Was in the corporate world for 27 years, the first 5 as Executive Secretary to an affiliate of the country’s biggest drug chain, and the last 22 as an international civil servant in an international development bank with HQ in Manila. Traveled extensively to many countries bringing about rich experiences and lessons learned to share with dear Readers. All these—in The D Spot
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Thanks for this inspiring post Tita Dine! I agree with positive discipline, although I find that it’s a very challenging method especially when your patience is starting to run out. To think that I’m just raising a toddler. How much more when my babies are grown?! But you’ve proven that it can be done and I’m empowered by your example.
this is an inspiring post dine. we have taken risks as well and we still continue to take a lot, and only time can tell if we made the right choices. i know my family is not and will never be perfect, but i hope that we will be as proud and as happy with the results of our decisions as you are now.
I am not in a position to judge your parenting style as each one of us develop our own. I know I just met your kids the past year but I feel they are wonderful, smart and loving. I’ve seen worse children in other dysfunctional families. Such pity. You have done a great job.
Yes Dine I agree with Noemi in her observation that you are some special mother…although I have yet to meet your children idividually…just by talking to you, reading your colorful blog and hearing your voice during random tests…so congrats.
Take care, and till next phone call.
Tony
*Once I am adjusted…in Sacramento. I can probably get some assignments from you.
This is an inspiring post. Well, I’m not a parent yet but I do understand the difficulties in raising a child what more if you have so many of them pero you pulled through and I’m sure you’re a good mother to them, di ba, Tita?
[:
I think you are a wonderful mother. You have brought up your children very well. I admire all your hard work and sacrifices.
As a parent to a young child, I still have to learn and experience more on what parenting is all about. Thank you for sharing your experiences. You are a wonderful inspiration.
ur children are really blessed to have such a cool mom as you are. God bless tita Dine.
when i started reading you post I got intrigued. I’ve met some of your children and it seemed you brought them up well. But i still continued reading. yes, kanya kanyang style lang yan, sometimes i am like you din.
this is a very inspiring parenting post Mom D, I also do believe in positive reinforcement and walk the talk style of parenting.
Now that your children are already grown, you are now reaping the fruits of your love and sacrifices
Hi Mommy Dine,
Thank you for your very inspiring post on your parenting life. Raising 7 children and having a successful career is such an extra-ordinary achievement.
pa-sexy sexy ka kasi, eh kita mo na. Kaya pinabyaan mo mga anak mo. Itigil mo nga yung sexy mom na yan. tanda tanda mo na, taba taba mo pa at pangit. At walang kwenta. Nag Filipina Images ka pa? eh wala namang ako nakitang sinusulat mo doon. Dekorasyon ka lang. pa-sexy sexy na walang contribution sa Filipina.
Nakakahiya ka pa rin. Nireklamo na kita doon sa mga ibang co-founders na paano ka naman naging kasama doon? Eh walang kwenta ka naman. Wala kang sinulat.
You are still a disgrace to the Filipina Mothers.
Tita Dine this signifies LOVE because you have given them unconditional love. Despite of being a working Mom you taught them to be a good to each other and to the people around them.
Sacrifices : you went almost all over the world but still you and your husband have raised them well. Become a better person and especially become autonomous and to learn their limits !
wow, i love this post. i hope i could write the same thing years from now. you know, both me and the hubs travel quite a lot too, and i sometimes feel guilty for my daughter.. esp when she knows how to communicate through a webcam at a year old.. when i could stay beside her if i choose to.. but well, i’ve chosen a life as i live it right now and i hope my daughter will see the importance of all these sacrifices when the time comes..
i admire you for being able to raise such wonderful kids despite the career challenges.. you’re an inspiration
[...] Parenting—The risks I took (and continue to take) has proven to be rather risky. For one, it has risked ruining the peaceful existence of some [...]
Raising 3 is not easy and how much more if there are 7 children.
Yes. we take risks, especially if its for the good of the family. When they have their own families, they would understand.
When I became mom I was in my mid 30’s I don’tknow anything how to be a mom so I read a lot from parenting books to advises from doctors, nurses, my mothergroups and most of all get some inspiration from different mothers online.
And you are inspiration to me beside my mother who sacrificed everything worked abroad ever since I was 11 and my youngest sister was only 2 but doesn’t made her a bad mom.
I think perfect mother doesn’t exist because we do it differently either by working or being a full house wife, what is important is we give QUALITY time whenever we are with them. RESPECT, fear of God and independence are some of the things we teach our children. But as a parent we also have to respect their individuality.
You’re children are lucky to have you as mother.
Mabuhay po kayo
Hear it please from me.
My co filipinas here in France said to me: How come you have children who behaves so well.
I answered, since their early childhood, I discipline them, teaching them the right from wrong and expect them to respect me.It is a commandment of God.
A good child is a glory to his mother.And a joy (and pride)to his father.
about Tessa, she should show first to this blog how GOOD she is, then she can start to open her BIG mouth.
And if she cannot, she better be quiet.Or shut up.
Sometimes Dine, people are jealous of: just to see you alive and happy…Keep the good work.Its a pleasure to our Creator.
siguro ibig sabihin ni tessa ay that’s not a mother should be. Biological mother ka lang but not really a mother kasi absentee mother. Parang di yata tama yun. I agree with Tessa pero sobra yata yung insulto nya sa inyo.
To the commenters who do not have the guts to link their blogs (if they have one), don’t tell another mother (assuming you are also mothers) how a mother should be. Biological mother LANG? Try having seven kids, and not have YOUR parents feed them. You think you can raise them by not having a job or a business? Unless your husband is filthy rich. Try having seven kids first and raise them BY YOURSELF. Then come back and comment on this post. Ok?
At pwede, may link to your blog, so we can see how great and wonderful you are. Maybe we can learn more from you than Tita Dine. 
[...] Bangkok was my first stop, then a few days in Karachi, then Islamabad. I was so lonely at that time, and I was counting backwards the 10 days that I had to stay in Pakistan before I joined hubby in Bangkok then Hongkong before coming home. The next foreign trip was after 3 years, then the trips became so frequent that I have become so used to traveling, leaving my family behind. Anyway, I told myself, those trips, though many and frequent equated to dollars and the lures of travel. Additional money for the family’s comfort. I could have even called myself a semi-OFW. [...]