Lessons in Sibling Rivalry

Posted on January 12, 2008
Filed Under Fun, Parenting and Family | Viewed 707 times

My eldest son, J Angelo, now 27 yo, was born 3-1/2 years before Monica, now 24 yo.

My 2 sons, BA and Vince (now 19 and 18) were born 1-1/2 year apart.

My 2 daughters, Angela and Pauline (now 16 yo and 14 yo) were born 2 years apart.

The youngest Alan, Jr (11 yo) is 13, 5 and 3 years younger than his sisters, Monica, Angela and Pauline.

And my 2 pretty granddaughters, Pia and Cate (now 5 yo and 3 yo) were born 2 years apart.

I am telling this because I would like to talk about sibling rivalry, and how to deter it. The above gaps in age are, for me, the ages when sibling rivalry is in its most active phase, if not prevented. Looking back, I didn’t realize that young as I was when I started being a mother (I was then 22 yo), I had to go through all the parenting issues which may be available in many books, but could not give the real answers or solutions—as each child, each circumstance is unique. Over the 16 years that I was bringing out babies to the world at the same time raising them, and the 12 years after that, what I did in the beginning was all guessing, experimenting, fumbling, testing, and using gut feeling in making decisions and actions that would either be pass or fail, if these are the two parameters to measure doing things the right way. In time I learned the art of raising children.

Here are some of the solutions I had to sibling rivalry, though way back then, young as I was, with no one to guide me on what or what not to do, I didn’t really know that the words sibling rivalry existed.

1. If at all possible, buy the same toys and clothes for each child, if they are of the same gender. For clothes, the color or style may differ. Soon, they will grow up and develop their own tastes for toys, clothes, shoes, etc.

2. During birthdays, give gifts to both children, no need to buy expensive ones. What a pity it is to see one child just stare at the birthday girl or birthday boy enjoying her or his gifts, while the other has none. Soon, they will grow up, and in the process they will come to realize that during birthdays, the birthday celebrant is the boy or girl of the day. The non birthday child could even become solicitous to the celebrant, when they grow up.

3. Do not openly scold a child in front of his or her sibling when the child commits a mistake, as it is very embarrassing for the scolded child.

From an earlier post, here are some tried and tested tips to deter sibling rivalry:NEVER, NEVER compare the children.

DO NOT PLAY FAVORITES.

DO NOT TYPECAST. Allow each child the freedom to choose what he/she wants to be,

SHOW HOW TO COOPERATE rather than compete with each other.

PLAN FAMILY ACTIVITIES THAT ARE FUN TO ALL, or if this is not possible, take turns, like swimming which one child likes on week 1, biking which another child likes on week 2.

OBSERVE what triggers the rivalry, then in future, try to avoid the cause, or change the routine to avert the conflict.

BE FAIR. There is really no need to please each child or to give his/her desires. It helps to talk and explain a dilemma with the children.

GIVE EACH CHILD ENOUGH TIME OF HIS/HER OWN. Sometimes they want to play with their own friends, without the other sibling. Or even attend children’s parties with their own classmates. I also see to it that I give each of them “tayo lang” time, meaning “just the two of us” time. And they look forward to it, being the “special and only child” at the moment.

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Comments

20 Responses to “Lessons in Sibling Rivalry”

Sonnie on January 12th, 2008 4:36 pm

informative and helpful, thanks for sharing
Kyels on January 13th, 2008 12:38 am

My parents were always fair to us—- my two younger brothers and I. Because of their fair treatments, we did not rival amongst ourselves and we grew closer to each other every single day. A lot of other families (parents’ friends) are envious of our sibling relationships because apparently their children cannot get along with each other.

I’m truly blessed to be in such a situation that I’m close to my siblings prior being the eldest in the family and the only daughter.

(:

Happy Sunday Tita!
benj on January 13th, 2008 2:11 am

Ugh with the typecasting. My parents are guilty as charged.
vk on January 13th, 2008 3:54 am

thanks for sharing, dine,

this is good for us Mama…..

you know, sometimes, i doesn´t know what shall i do or my opinions,....i just say, ask to your papa,
and sometimes, bernie says, that as Mama, i should have my own decisions…...

but i have another decisions/way…..that my 2 kids won´t agree it…..esp, this time now, Teenager time.

I just Pray and talk to them, with love and respect….they will understand too.

thanks again.
vk on January 13th, 2008 3:58 am

thanks for sharing all these very nice family pics.

nice knowing your kids-family.

they are all beautiful and handsome.

cute ng 2 mong apo…...
ghee on January 13th, 2008 10:30 am

oh gee….how many children do you have?and yet you still remain sexy?

i could say that youre a tough and a considerate mom

compare to me,i only have 2 daughters.

this post will inspire lots of moms in the blogosphere.
happy weekend,Dine!
lady cess on January 13th, 2008 11:08 am

those are all cute photos.

and thanks for the tips.
Kongkong622 on January 13th, 2008 8:18 pm

This post couldn’t have come at a better time. My 2 girls are at that age when they have discovered sibling rivalry. Try as we might to prevent the dreaded “inggitan”, sometimes it cannot be prevented. I’ll keep these tips in mind. They will definitely come in handy. Thanks for sharing
Rach (Heart of Rachel) on January 13th, 2008 9:01 pm

Hi Dine. It’s nice to see your children’s photos when they were young and their more recent photos. Thanks for this interesting post.
sugarplum fairy on January 13th, 2008 10:09 pm

Hi Dine,

This is really helpful, especially now that I have 2 kids. Sam, young as she is, already shows signs of jealousy. But she’s also protective of Ley,’ateng=ate na’
Spence on January 14th, 2008 12:28 am

Thanks, sexymom. I’ll definitely show this to my mom. Also bookmarking it for my future wife! Haha!
haze on January 14th, 2008 4:35 am

I like the photos ! You all look great ! Saya talaga pag marami. I am happy, I have a sister and 2 brothers but we didn’t have much problem between us and while growing up. I guess my parents did not have favoritism! Fair is fair that’s the rule !
annamanila on January 14th, 2008 7:16 pm

My husband’s solution to sibling rivalry: give each boy a pair of gloves then let them take on each other in the yard.

Aaah … that isn’t really a funny story. Will explain later.
analyse on January 15th, 2008 5:54 am

openly scolding a child was a no-no to my mom too.. age gaps in the family ran from 1-3 years, and everybody in the family appreciates the way we’re brought up, even wanting to do the same for our own kids.. and honestly, we don’t know what our mom’s secret.. but i think you listed quite a number of it, thanks for sharing..
cielo on January 15th, 2008 10:39 pm

Thx for sharing your smart parenting tips.
Belle on January 16th, 2008 12:03 pm

my daughters are 18 months apart and so i’ve dealt with sibling rivalry even until now when they are both at college. during Christmas, i buy same gifts for both of them, so if the first daughter opens the present, the other daughter knows exactly what inside her present.
Em Dy on January 17th, 2008 12:12 pm

And encourage others who interact with your children to treat them the way you do. Sometimes, teachers fuel rivalries by comparing siblings. The same goes to well-meaning relatives.
julie on January 17th, 2008 6:33 pm

My two younger children are also 1 1/2 years apart. It is never-ending cycle of play-quarrel with them. Sometimes its amusing other times its not.

Thanks for sharing these tips, Dine
Ria Jose on January 23rd, 2008 6:28 pm

Nice article. Sibling rivalry is really something that can harm/psychologically scar a person.
francesca on January 27th, 2008 9:39 pm

yan ang super mom, knows the best when it comes to raring kids.

Pero, may pamalo din ba, once in a while?lol