Lessons in Sibling Rivalry–HAPPY 4th BIRTHDAY PIA!

Posted on June 25, 2007
Filed Under Celebration, LIFE, Parenting and Family | Viewed 1216 times

Today is the 4th birthday of our first grandchild, Sofia Bernice, whom we fondly call PIA. We bought her an Elina Barbie doll as birthday gift—her birthday wish, actually. We also gave a gift to CATE (Agatha Clarisse) who turned 2 last January. My hubby and 6 other kids look forward with excitement to J Angelo’s and wife, Caren’s 3rd child, a baby boy this time, by the last week of August.

You might wonder why both PIA and CATE have gifts—even if it was PIA’s birthday, not CATE’s. You see, I have learned my lesson over the years that I was raising a family with hubby. When eldest son J Angelo and eldest daughter Monica were growing up (2-1/2 years age gap), there seemed to be a problem raising up the two—one felt threatened by the other, in terms of parental attention. It was sibling rivalry to the highest degree between the two. J Angelo was the smart and intelligent one, while Monica was the charming one (she is now in law school). Anyone would immediately notice her, giving her all the attention, while J Angelo would either try to catch attention or to withdraw to himself. On occassions that J Angelo was the superstar, like on his birthdays or medal awarding in school, Monica would try to catch attention. When we realized that sibling rivalry was a-brewing, we tried not only to give each child the same attention, but tried to make each child feel special at the same time that the other who was the “honoree” at that moment.

We brought the gifts this morning, EVERYONE WAS HAPPY. PIA was very happy, and CATE was equally happy. I could not imagine CATE just looking at PIA opening her gifts while she had none, feeling left out. They will outgrow this. Soon, when they both understand what birthdays are all about, gifts will be only for the celebrant, with the other even giving a gift.

2 boys followed suit (Vince and BA, 1-1/2 years age gap), then 2 girls (Angela and Pauline, 2 years age gap), I found the right solution. When one of the boys celebrated his birthday, we would give gifts to both. It is not really the cost of the gifts that matter, being innovative in giving a gift that would leave a mark in the boy’s heart. This way, the not one of them would feel left out. This would be a practice until the child understood enough. We did the same with the girls. Now they fondly look back to the days when they would be enjoying each others’ birthdays.

When the youngest (Alan Jr) was born, he was the center of everyone’s attention. But still, there would be seeming competition and fights between him and Pauline (3 years older than him). What matters most is how the parents treat their children and react to the given situation.

Here are some tried and tested tips to deter sibling rivalry:

NEVER, NEVER compare the children

DO NOT PLAY FAVORITES.

DO NOT TYPECAST. Allow each child the freedom to choose what he/she wants to be.

SHOW HOW TO COOPERATE rather than compete with each other.

PLAN FAMILY ACTIVITIES THAT ARE FUN TO ALL, or if this is not possible, take turns, like swimming which one child likes on week 1, biking which another child likes on week 2.

OBSERVE what triggers the rivalry, then in future, try to avoid the cause, or change the routine to avert the conflict.

BE FAIR. There is really no need to please each child or to give his/her desires. It helps to talk and explain a dilemma with the children.

GIVE EACH CHILD ENOUGH TIME OF HIS/HER OWN. Sometimes they want to play with their own friends, without the other sibling. Or even attend children’s parties with their own classmates. I also see to it that I give each of them “tayo lang” time, meaning “just the two of us” time. And they look forward to it, being the “special and onl child” at the moment.

When conflicts arise, what to do?

DO NOT TAKE SIDES and DO NOT PROTECT the younger one. This will make the elder one resentful, and the younger one smile inside and feel that he/she can get away with it.

DO NOT SHOUT or make on the spot SERMONS. They will not listen, anyway.

ENCOURAGE them to talk out the conflict.

GIVE CHILDREN REMINDERS. Once a conflict seems to start, tell them about an earlier conflict and remind them how it was resolved.

BE COOL PARENTS. If children see angry parents all the time, their tendency will also be to be angry.

NO NO in the household – hurting each other (kicking, punching, pinching, etc.) and calling each other names.

and when FIGHTS BECOME VIOLENT (though this has not at all happened in my family), INTERVENE! Separate the fighting children, and when they have calmed down, EXPLAIN that you don not want this to happen again. It should be a NO NO rule in the household.

IF ALL ELSE FAILS—seek professional help. Seeing a child psychiatrist SHOULD BE AN OPTION.

Comments

31 Responses to “Lessons in Sibling Rivalry–HAPPY 4th BIRTHDAY PIA!”

aMgiNe on June 25th, 2007 2:48 pm

very very helpful advice. i couldnt agree more on the part when u said that parents are not suppose to protect the younger child, i am the eldest and i feel that it was a curse then since im always to blame. hope my grandparents had that wisdom then. =)

SexyMom: yes, the elder ones normally resent the parents’ taking the side of the younger one.
noemi Dado on June 25th, 2007 2:55 pm

never did I buy a gift when one was the honoree. I taught them early in life that life is not fair. That the honoree is the person of the day . they learned to live with it so no envy took place.

I followed what my parents did since we were also 7 in the family. worked well.

SexyMom: it was not permanent, you see, “This would be a practice until the child understood enough.”. I also mentioned that, “They will outgrow this. Soon, when they both understand what birthdays are all about, gifts will be only for the celebrant, with the other even giving a gift.”

So in both our cases, the forumla worked.
sasha on June 25th, 2007 5:24 pm

Great tips, tita! Altho just like tita noemi, we were taught na the celebrator is the person of the day so he/she deserves all the gifts he/she gets. We’re 6 in the family and worked well with us.

Happy birthday to Pia!

SexyMom: thanks, Sasha. your mom’s formula for you and your siblings and my formula for mine both worked out well!
Kongkong622 on June 25th, 2007 6:00 pm

Firstly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY PIA!! May the good Lord shower you with numerous blessings today and everyday!!

Second, this post is wonderful. Being a mom to 2 girls who are roughly 2 years apart, everything you said really hit the bulls eye, at least on whatever it is I’m going through now. So far I think we’ve been doing ok because the girls are turning out to be really manageable. It can get a bit difficult sometimes because they have opposing personalities.

Thanks, thanks, thanks for the tips!!
MM del Rosario on June 25th, 2007 6:58 pm

Hi Di, another nice article!

I have 3 sisters and my parents never shout or make on the spot SERMONS. But they will always make the dining table a place to make sermon, yon di ka ba makaka-alis. I did not like it, but I can’t do anything, we can’t excuse ourselves, you have to stay and continue eating.
tutubi on June 25th, 2007 7:08 pm

i’m not yet a parent but i’m learning so much from your blog. at least i’ve been forewarned
tina on June 25th, 2007 7:23 pm

what a nice advice… salamat sa tips.. ill remember this hehe:P happy birthday to pia.
niceheart on June 25th, 2007 8:34 pm

Very helpful tips, sexymom. I also never compare my children to each other. People did that to me and my sister when we were kids. She was mas maputi and bibo and they always compared her to me infront of us, so I just recoiled in my own little shell the more and developed inferiority complex.

And on taking sides. Yes, when I reprimand one, I also find myself reprimanding the other one, so as not to take sides and not resent each other.
REX on June 25th, 2007 9:12 pm

I can’t relate, as I only have one sister, and the gap is 8 years, hehe. We never had the sibling rivalry going.

But these tips of yours Tita will come in handy when it comes to dealing with my 3 nephews, aged 8, 6 and 5, right?

That why I dont give gifts to any of them. Hahaha! Joke! Wala eh, wala pang trabaho ang Tito nila, pareho ko lang silang palamunin, hehe..
Major Tom on June 25th, 2007 10:05 pm

These are really helpful advises. I can in fact see and observe hints of sibling rivalry between our two eldest boys and I could feel it most when they are discussing things as simple as whose the better superhero, Batman or Superman.

I do hope they overcome this as they grow. Yet, I feel that this kind of things is so commonplace that in fact, some rivalries could stand even towards older years. And this make me worry a little.
cielo on June 25th, 2007 11:04 pm

another helpful parenting tips. thx for unselfishly sharing.

“DO NOT TYPECAST. Allow each child the freedom to choose what he/she wants to be.”

– Agree po ako sa inyo mommy dine, matatalino na ang mga bata ngayon, they know what they want and as parents we should be there to guide them and not just impose what we want. Children also needs to be heard.
pinayhekmi on June 26th, 2007 12:36 am

These are really wonderful tips!
vk on June 26th, 2007 12:46 am

Hi sexy mom,
Thanks for sharing….

Really, it is not so easy to rise and discipline our kids….
even though I have only 2, but sometimes I have no more opinions or I can’t say anymore, think it over,,,,how…what…when n say, My God helps me….

There is this Rivalry, I am the best, He-She is the best, she-he is better than me-..He-she is more care n love….n etc.

But thanks to God, we have do and tell them n bring them in the right pathway,

Now….they are old enough, they know already to think it over if they do in good or bad…..they can think it over already.

Say my Birthday greetings to Pia….
chase on June 26th, 2007 2:28 am

Very nice tip especially for the soon to be parents. That is true coz actually I saw some of these tips on Nanny 911 as well
Eli on June 26th, 2007 3:30 am

Excellent tips po. Thanks thanks.. Now I have some idea on what to do just in case my Matt asks for a sibling.

(regarding PPP, lots of extra money waiting for you po. Just login, takes some offer and you’re good to go. Paypal required for your payment po)...

Madali lang po sya. Try nyo. If you have question you can ask us with Kapitbahay Sasha.. master na nmin yan.
Chi on June 26th, 2007 4:33 am

this has been a very insightful entry since I’ll be having another child and I’m really worried on how I could handle jealousy between my two kids.

i grew up with a sister and 6 brothers so the only conflict i had was with my sister which was very rare since we’re only 11 months apart so we get to have the same things/stuff at the same time and our birthday’s are just days apart so we never really fought over gifts and stuff.
pining on June 26th, 2007 7:22 am

oh, tell me about it… my kids are on that stage where everything has to be measured equally or else …
very helpful tips SexyMom, thanks for that
carlotta on June 26th, 2007 7:56 am

hi tita! thanks for sharing these good tips about sibling rivalry. i’m not a parent yet but at least i would know what to do when the time comes. =)

i’m a middle child so my reaction is dedma lang hehe. pero siempre there were times i felt a bit envious of my younger brother.
lady cess on June 26th, 2007 8:08 am

my parents do the same thing too, pag birthday nung isa kong anak, may special treat din kahit yung hindi celebrant.

happy birthday pia
b w on June 26th, 2007 9:24 am

Great tips from an experienced and successful mom I know there’s some grain of truth to the proverbial middle child syndrome who are often ignored in favor of the eldest or the youngest child. Stats show that middle kids tend to be more successful because they had to work for what they want It is indeed a challenge for parents to show equitable love and attention to their children.
marie on June 26th, 2007 10:38 am

thanks for the tips Dine. I can see the girls beaming with joy with those barbie dolls. Belated happy birthday to your grandkid.
rhodora on June 26th, 2007 11:43 am

Your granddaughters are sooo cute, Dine! Yes, I too, used to do that with my two boys before. Whenever one gets a gift, the other also receives one, identical pa, para walang away! hehehe.

Those are very useful tips for young parents out there! Belated Happy bday to you Pia!
Flori on June 26th, 2007 2:02 pm

Happy birthday, Pia!
angel on June 26th, 2007 3:22 pm

these are wonderful tips! thanks for these. your post reminded me of my childhood. grew up with 3 brothers. I was the youngest and yes, at several points in our lives, we had sibling rivalry. even with me and the eldest. haha. but we grew out of that already when we got older.

i’ll keep your tips even if we’re not yet planning on a second child.

thanks again, sexymom!
Kyels on June 26th, 2007 4:07 pm

Sibling rivalry happens all the time and all the advices that you’ve given were practiced by my parents too Tita.

(:
kathy on June 26th, 2007 7:43 pm

I’m having difficulty imagining you as a doting Lola, Sexy Mom! Happy birthday to your cute apo.
Thanks for these tips. I would surely keep those in mind in case maging ate na si Aya. Kelan kaya yun?
Rach on June 26th, 2007 10:01 pm

Belated Happy Birthday to Pia! She looks very happy holding her barbie doll. It’s nice to see Cate equally beaming with joy.

Thanks Dine for sharing these wonderful advices. I think it’s a very effective way of bringing up children. Well said!
Jon Limjap on June 27th, 2007 4:08 pm

Great advice, SexyMom. Thanks so much for this
kc on June 27th, 2007 7:20 pm

Hi I came here from a website who had a link to your site.

Belated Happy Birthday to your grandchild!
kc on June 27th, 2007 7:21 pm

Hi, I came here from a website who had a link to your site.

Belated Happy Birthday to your grandchild!
Connie on June 28th, 2007 7:47 am

You are a great mom, Dine, with all that insight. The hardest part is to acknowledge the problem while it is there. Most times, we only realize on hindsight. Thank goodness my girls are over the rivalry stage. When it ended, I could only breathe a sigh of relief. Nakaka-tension yung period na yun.