A Mother’s Heart (a father’s, too) Bears it All
Posted on December 3, 2007
Filed Under Faith and Spirituality, LIFE, Our Angel, Parenting and Family | Viewed 815 times
My husband called me up to ask if I have read BA’s latest blog. No, I told him, what about I asked? He could not talk, he spoke in riddles, he just said for me to read it. I told him about how BA has in the past written about morbid things, even before the family tragedy that befell us. As we move along, as we begin to try to understand it all, why of all families, it had to be ours, here comes BA’s new blog.
BA wrote,
Kapatid, Paalam Sa IyoThis morning I was greeted with the news that a fellow Atenean and a brother through Kuya Jess passed away over the weekend. A week ago I read about a Theresian’s passing in a friend’s blog. Exactly two months ago, I was woken up with the news that Michael was gone.
So it was a very very depressing Monday morning. I’m actually supposed to be in class right now, but I’m skipping it because I feel so heavy all of a sudden.
Jaime, in his blog, recommended this writing exercise in which you would write down what you think should happen should you die young all of a sudden. Stupid? Morbid? Maybe. But fulfilling? Possible. Well, as Jaime put it, “it’s good to reflect about death because ultimately you get to celebrate life.”
I want my burial to be ultimately short. 3 days would be enough. But I hope that the third day falls on a Sunday. Sunday is my most favorite day because I get to be with my family and Kuya Jess. If my friends could come by, then why not? The more the many-er, err, merrier.
I want to wear my “Good things come in Blue and White” shirt, my Days cross on my neck, my favorite blue Rosary in my hands. And my curly hair should be left untouched. I don’t want to look too serious nor too formal. I want to look like how people see me in my everyday life.
Read more…
.
No matter how busy I am, I had to drop everything I was doing, I just wanted to hug my BA, but when I read about it, he was already on his way back to school with a classmate. If only I knew how to drive, I would not let him drive to school, I told myself. I would be at his beck and call, just to see him safe, just to have him with me for as long as it takes.
.
It breaks my heart to be reading something like this, to be visualizing something like this. But BA has said them anyway. All I can say is:
.I love you, BA–my prayers are with you always. May the good Lord watch over you always, with Michael and cousin Belle by His side. There is so much in my heart, there is so much to say. I can give up all worldliness, everything, just for you, your dad, your siblings and Angelo’s family. A mother would like to say–LORD, give me all the load, all the challenges, all the problems, all the pains, all the failures–BUT please, spare my family. We cannot dictate though, we can only beg, and in the end accept His will.
.
Yes, a mother’s heart (a father’s too) bears it all. And I have to bear it all 7x over, nay many times over, for all family members—the 7 kids, my husband, Angelo’s wife, Caren and 2 kids, Pia and Cate. It’s all a matter of FAITH now—the Lord God is merciful. I ask Him to watch over BA, and the rest of my family.
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17 Responses to “A Mother’s Heart (a father’s, too) Bears it All”
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Dine Racoma is Sexy Mom, a Filipina doing what she likes best—writing, her passion. She writes freelance, does research, advises on new media, and manages a virtual assistance office for home-based jobs. A mother of 7 (what joy!) foremost, a wife, MIL, grandma to 2 pretty girls and an angel in heaven, sister, daughter, friend. Was in the corporate world for 27 years, the first 5 as Executive Secretary to an affiliate of the country’s biggest drug chain, and the last 22 as an international civil servant in an international development bank with HQ in Manila. Traveled extensively to many countries bringing about rich experiences and lessons learned to share with dear Readers. All these—in The D Spot
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Your Kuya Jess … you are speaking of two Kuya Jesses here, right? One, the Atenista; the other, everybody’s Kuya?
Aww sorry that comment was for BA.
I also told him that thoughts about death fascinate a lot of people. At the same time that doesn’t make it less shocking for a mom to read about her son thinking death thoughts especially in the wake of a loss so painful.
I meant “HER SON” ... pwede ba paki-edit. Thanks Dine. Take heart, BA is just sad and a it depressed.
I’m always paranoid over Miguel. I must’ve annoyed their guidance counselor last week during the Makati Siege coz I kept calling since I was in Baguio. I wanted to orb right there and then to get him home, but then I was 6 hours away from Manila and I’d say it was one of my most difficult engagements since I was worried sick over Miguel’s safety.
But then, we have to have FAITH. I cannot imagine how hard it is for you since you have to bear it times seven.
Hugs.
I can’t imagine how I would feel if I my sons wrote something like this. I would be scared I guess. It is admirable that BA can open up and address his feelings.
annamanila: There is only one Kuya Jess. But yes, he can be an Atenista too.
And you’re right, I guess I was just a bit sad and too affected. I need coughchocolate*cough*
And to Mom, I want you to WRITE again. Ever since Michael left you haven’t been writing like you used to. There’s this different feel in your works. Nabibitin ako. It’s like you’re holding back.
As for me, I’m trying to move on and let go with my writings, as evident in my most recent post. I lost my drive when Michael died. But I’m finding it again with Jesus, my friends, and you, my dearest family by my side.
And remember what the priest in UP said to Ate Caren once? Not everything is connected with Michael’s passing. It just so happens that these things happen at the exact time. We should learn to let go. To let go of our inhibitions and fears.
We should even know when to let go of what we value the most.
Let us not fear evil, and even death, for He is always with us.
I love you, mom.
BA, this is so sweet of you, telling your mom about these things.
Dine, I am shedding shameless tears right now, reading BA’s words. You are so blessed to have him.
God bless you both.
A very practical child is your BA. I wish him long life, and a happy fulfilled life.
I agree with his views though. I think I want people to wear red on my funeral. It’s sad enough with death, they shouldn’t have to be dressed same day…unless of course they look fabulous in black, then that’s okay.
Dine, a mother’s heart bears it all…and then some.
When someone younger than us die, we then question mortality. There is good in all the questions BA raised. He will turn out to be a compassionate person not taking life for granted. BA is entitled to feel whatever he is feeling. They are not wrong. Grief is a feeling and he is able to transform it to something positive.
Tita, what you wrote for BA was really beautiful and indeed what a mother would say to her child. I remember those days where I used to be morbid and write things as such but I was glad that my mother did not get to read those haunting thoughts. It’s because I wouldn’t want her to give extra worries about my being and I know deep down that my emotional turmoil will pass with the worldly strength that I have in God and Faith.
We question mortality, all the time. But we cannot stop Death from playing its role. Nevertheless, all of us still ought to live life to its best.
(:
I remember doing the same exercise in a writing workshop back in highscool. I showed what I wrote to my mother and she nearly fainted. It was that “morbid” but I cared less. It was the way I wanted to leave this world and I want it to be my way. At the most that is.
One distinct part of what I wrote is a simple wish, on my coffin, a signboard would be displayed that reads:
“Bawal ang nakasimangot.”
HUGS Dine. That’s all I can say.
hi, sexy mom! ba is blessed to have you… i wish my parents cared for me like that.
Dear Mommy Dine, I can only imagine your grief but with a spiritual and intelligent family that you have, I know you’ll understand why it has happened to you.
A counselor once had told me to wallow in my tears and not be ashamed to cry (or speak or write) if I had too. It helps in the healing process.
God be with you!
Joey (the Atenean who died) is actually quite close to my sister. It’s sad. His death affected us all, really. And I don’t even know that guy well.
Hi Dine. I could understand how anxious you must have been to go to BA and keep him close to you at that time.
I find it very easy to talk about how I want things to be when I leave this world but I find it very hard to listen when someone in the family says something similar.
it would break my heart, too, if i read something like this from any of my daughters. you are an extraordinary mom, Dine and BA is so blessed to be surrounded with loving family.